I never had a baby. I didn't concieve, i didn't carry, I didn't go through hours of labor. I did the right thing. I stayed safe, i always used protection, I had one mess up, and it cost me gravely. At 16, my best friend, Kay, moved away and i got really depressed, i turned to drugs and one night someone i thought was a friend took advantage of that, i got pregnant and I had an abortion. I wasn't ready for a baby and i wanted to go to school, save, meet a good man, and have a family in a stable home and i wanted to wait. It destroyed me. I felt like a murderer. I murdered a defenseless baby because i made a bad choice and i couldn't face it. I became a drug addict. I fell apart, i wanted to crawl out of my skin. I took adderall to keep me awake so i didn't have to face the nightmares. A month after the worst day of my life, i found out my best friend was pregnant and she was keeping it. I can't explain what it feels like, having a constant reminder of the worst thing you've ever done, seeing the sonograms and the pregnancy and then seeing her with a gorgeous baby girl that would be a month younger than my child. However, i stopped feeling sorry for myself and remembered that i told the beautiful little boy that haunted my nightmares he was sacrificed for a reason, that next time, i'd be ready and his brothers and sisters would thrive off of my ability to take care of them, and i kicked the drugs and went back to school. I wanted to be a part of my friend's life and i wanted to know her kid but at the same time, it ripped my heart open, so we fell off during her pregnancy. She and her boyfriend began to have major problems and around 6 months in, he began messaging me. We couldn't stand eachother from the day we met but he was at such a loss he'd do anything to make her happy. At first it was Hey, ya wanna go fishing? Kay's in a really bad mood and i know you'd cheer her up. Then, when she was ready to pop and after, it became "i'm gonna lose my family how do i keep her?" After that it became " i don't know what i'm gonna do without them." This poor man went from a family and a house and 2 cars to living in his truck and being practically banned from his daughter. My heart bled for him. He was turning to someone he barely even knew or liked because he was THAT alone. So I did what anyone with a heart would do, i became his friend. It started out going for long drives and sitting under the stars, just talking. About life, love, outer space, everything. Well, talking turned into more. More turned into love. I found my soul mate in a place i never would have looked, but I've never looked back. When i chose to spend my life with him i chose to also spend it with his daughter, We moved in together 4 months into our relationship and i went from drug addict to stay at home stepmom in a matter of days. It's been 9 months now and even though having a child as a young adult is the hardest thing like, ever, I love my little family, as weird as it is.
Thanks for reading. Xoxo
